My feelings for Sergio are not going away....it is so weird.  I have never felt this way before.  I cannot concentrate in my job....which is super difficult because I am still in training and all of it is going "way over my head" (well, another co-worker has the same problem too...the new stuff is complicated)....and wow, I am actually considering giving a notice!  I told my self I would not work at a call center again and would try my hand at new and fun jobs....as long as I can pay my school loan payments and car payments, I will be fine, right!?  So, what is holding me back!?  Fear...fear fear...gotta get rid of it. 
Want to travel the world,....but would be nice to win the lottery first.....travel with Sergio, teach English in Chile or in any South American country for that matter. 
I know I shouldn't put all my happiness into a man, I have learned that before, have been heartbroken.... I know I should put God first and then my problems won't feel so big, but I love Sergio.....how does one make the balance between loving God and loving your partner?  I cannot put my eggs all into one basket.  I know he doesn't want to hurt me...this man is different.   Maybe that is why I couldn't break up with him...since he is such a nice guy......so loyal, hard-working, funny, cute, caring, giving,...even though he is on the other side of the world!  wow, these are big life situtations!
I told myself the first time that I studied overseas, that I would not let a South American man try to fall in love with me......i have heard of silly stories about that before....latinos trying to marry white girls to get to the U.S.  But this one is different.  If getting to the U.S is part of his agenda, he sure is patient, loyal and cool/calm.  But I know that is not his agenda.....I truly know he is in love with me....and I with him.  I have seen tears in his eyes when i told him I am unsure about if I want to continue this or not....as I was and still am afraid of all the complications that an international relationship can produce.  I think, if marriage is not an option here, I don't want to continue torturing myself/ setting myself up for heartbreak...but he says that we will not break each others' hearts...no one can guarantee that! no one!
This is something SERIOUS!  I don't know what to do.  I want to just cry, scream, sleep all day, not work, go back to him ASAP, hug him, kiss him..........or just forget the whole thing...and start over from square one....how in the heck could I do that?  I don't want to hurt him or me!  I guess this is my first....REAL, SERIOUS relationship...so that could be the problem...of course, it has to be a long distance one...a real unique one!
hmmm.............my mom thinks I should go for it....she loves him and it brings back too many memories that she had of a long-distance thing she had when her boyfriend went overseas for the army when she was young...and she cut it off with him ...and she said she felt lost afterwards and doesn't want that to happen to me...I have seen her in tears about my situation too....ughhh....
ok....I am revealing too much....sounds like something that could be put on Dr. Phil or somehthing!
later
K8T

just wanting to make sure that this is working.  I haven't used this in a while.  Please tell me if you read my other entries that I wrote in April 2006....just want to make sure they posted correctly.
thanks

Hello!
I am back from Chile!....and only after a little more than a month home I am STILL going through reverse culture shock!  It is probably because I dearly miss my loved-ones there in Chile....whom I have known for over 4 years now.  My boyfriend, for example....I wanted to break up with him because it is just so silly to be dating someone from another country when one of us eventually will have to give up our lives in one country to be with the other if we ever get married....but I just didn't have the heart to cut our relation.  Now, I want to go back....so bad!  I don't think there has been a day since I came home (March 16th) where I have not cried.  It is just soo hard.  I love him sooo much....love Chile soo much too....I hate my new job.  My mom thought I would be depressed when I go back home, and she is right!  ugh!
I just don't know what to do!  Anyone else out there know someone in a similar situtation or is in this situation or has experienced this?  I need help!
Ok,
Chao,
K8T

  How weird it is to see people walking around in capri pants or shorts, sandles, tank tops, etc.  It doesn´t seem like Christmas to me.  Where my parents are now, it is snowing, and super cold.  I am not complaining.....I do NOT miss the MN winter!  blah!  But I do miss some of the North American traditions...like candy canes, Christmas cookies, turkey dinner or lasagna dinner.  Chocolate candies everywhere.  Midnight mass and mass in ENGLISH!
It is cool to see all the differences from btwn here and there though.  The way they wrap their gifts in teh family here is funny.  They use the wrapping paper to make little bags out of the paper to put the gift into. 

One thing the same is the commercialism/materialism here...same as the States.  I was in the mall again yesterday, shopping with Sergio....and the crowds were horrible!  Could barely walk.  People scrambling at the last minute to buy gifts.....and they have free gift wrapping in almost all the stores...but of course, they have a bucket their for small donations.  They have Santa at the mall too, where the kids sit on his lap and ask for gifts, just like in the U.S.  There are Christmas lights everywhere, decorations too...but it is weird to see these decorations outside without snow....but with palm trees all around.....funny, what one becomes accustomed to....
I have a job opportunity that starts in March...full time.  It is at a K-12 school a suburb of Santiago..  it is 500,000 Chilean pesos a month...which comes out to be $980 U.S dollars a month.  Sergio's dad and aunt  might want me to work at their school in the evenings....he says that their English teacher now makes apprx 250,000 or 300,000 pesos a month...which comes out to be approx $500 U.S dollars a month...so $500 US and 980 US equals...1480 US dollars a month.  That is little less than what I made at Citigroup....about the same, I think....well....yeah, .....less. 
the thing is that I miss home, friends and family, but do have an awesome opportunity to work here, without even looking for work that hard, I found something....someone actually created a job for me...actually two places did and plus Sergio's familys school is looking for a new English teacher for next year. 
The other thing is thta I do not think that SErgio is the one for me, although I really care for him, there are just too many little things that both of us need to change to be more compatible I think....maybe he doesn´t think so, but I do.  Also , I feel guilty for being here as my little nephews are growing up sooo fast and I am not seeing how cute they are....same with my niece (11 yrs)...she will be getting into the crabby teen years soon and I want to see her before she turns into a monster, like Sergio's sister  is now (13 yrs old)....plus I want to make more money....and I want to do something really cool  for my mom and dad ...but don´t know what......like pay them back for all they have done with $$$ or something cool. 
If I go back home, I will return to "the real world" and hard work, and most likely a boring, montonous job that I hate and will wish that I had taken the experience in Chile ...the opportunity I have.  Maybe I could try it for a few months, then go bck if I do´nt like it....???   Or maybe I could go home with my mom and dad when the come here in January....and stay there in the States for a month (Feb), then come back to Chile to work until May or June....or whenever it is warmer.  These are just ideas. 
If I do take the job here, then maybe my parents can use some of my money to make the car payments, as I will have an income here in Chile (they are making my car payments at the moment as they are using my car...but they do not have a good income...are living on small amt of retirement money)
I know for sure I would like to be home for the MN summer, one of my girlfriends is getting  married this summer....I think August!  Would like to be there for that.
Well....gotta go...will write more later...